blog

Are We There Yet?

Fri, 28 Jul 2017 22:29:09 +0100

It's been 8 weeks we began our bike tour-- a little over half way into our three month journey --and we just now made it out of Minnesota. We've WWOOF'd at two farms for almost two weeks each, so that has taken up the majority of our time.
Part of my mission on this trip was to learn more about my partner and see how well we mesh when it comes to making relatively important decisions on things. I can't say that it hasn't been very difficult, but I think we are making progress on our communication and patience. Our latest project: finding an environmentally conscious and ethical company that sells rectangle backpacking sleeping bags at an affordable price. Being a mindful consumer takes a lot of time and effort to do company research. How are we supposed to verify the ethical claims the company makes? How can we be sure that the statistics and regulations a company provides are recent, accurate, and enforced? Additionally, how are we supposed to know that the quality is good enough to be used not only for a long time, but for multiple purposes? I want my sleeping bag purchase to double as a comforter so that the minimalist part of me is satisfied.

"Personal Lives, National Affairs" was an English course I took in college; we read fictional books based around true events that showed us just how complicated the play between psychology and sociology is. I want to make a positive global impact but it starts with the local and personal relationships within myself and between the people closest to me. Sometimes I feel as though people forget their actions have more than just an effect on local economy and relationships. The question becomes, "How many eggs must be cracked to make a healthy, sustainable omelette?" Alternatively, how does one comfortably make compromises and still "do the right thing"? When chaos engulfs our personal lives, it blinds us to seeing the bigger picture, the rippling effect. A busy parent with frantic children might not think twice about the wasteful packaging their food comes in, a stressed out student might impulsively buy unnecessary things to give them a temporary dopamine boost, and a business owner might rationalize immoral behavior in order to avoid losing their investment... all these things affect people outside of their bubble, and may cause a chain reaction of compromises, but all are ethically ambiguous and beg the question I'm so fixated on lately: When is it okay to bend your ethics to suit your desired behavior? Will we ever get to a place in society where we find answers to these centuries-old philosophical uncertainties? Are we there yet??

I have a feeling I will never know where this line is, because we all draw our own. I wish things were more clear cut, black and white. Figuring out life is really challenging. A past version of Kristin might see who I am today and feel relief upon realizing how much I've grown in a decade. A future version might look back and want to give myself a hug and say, "It will all work out one way or another." For now, I'm stuck wondering.... Are we in Colorado yet? My legs might be gaining muscle, but these hills are really wearing on my joints. Such is life, huh?

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(Unrelated) WarmShowers hosts are awesome. Meet Acacia: a crucial cog in advancing the biking community in Mankato, MN and she even taught us some local history about Native Americans! So glad we met!

Coming Full Circle

Wed, 19 Jul 2017 18:46:01 +0100

A quick recap:

A year ago, I set out on a journey to travel across the country with everything packed up into my turtle shell Chevrolet. I anticipated downsizing to traveling by bicycle since my vehicle had potential for a fatal breakdown; after more than 10,000 miles, however, my Impala triumphed the journey and I ended up continuing onto the next chapter of my life in Cirque Italia. I have now taken a break from the circus to commence a new journey, this time on only two wheels with a partner.

This week, I am back in St. Paul, MN after working on the Round River Farm (where I began my solo journey last year) and returning from the Project Earth [Wookiefoot] festival. It’s almost surprising to me that I’ve gone coast to coast and come full circle here and still feel this itch to keep traveling and learning from people. I do know that I will be burnt out on this nomadic lifestyle by the end of the year though, and that gives me motivation to seek more sedentary opportunities somewhere in the country as I trek through this adventure.

What have I learned in the last year?

Well, as Wookiefoot would say, “That cycle keeps on spinning just as long as you’re alive.” Life is all about recycling of ideas and circumstances, reevaluating yourself and your understanding of this universe. I learned about the circle of life and Quakerism in Minnesota; fearlessness and risk-taking in Ohio; Taoism and philosophy in Pennsylvania; psychoactive drugs and self-discovery in North Carolina; community and tolerance in Cirque Italia; the power of story-telling and helping people in California; the environmental dissociation that occurs when traveling via a car rather than bicycle or on foot; the importance of farming and having respect for the earth through WWOOFing; the generosity and compassion of the general human race through Couchsurfing and WarmShowers (we truly aren’t as divided as the media leads us to believe)…. And more! These things maybe could have been taught in a classroom, but nothing inside four walls compares to the sound of the ocean, the smell of a forest, the sight on top of a mountain, the feeling of a welcoming embrace by a stranger, or the liberation of FREE education through podcasts, books, and a diverse sample of people.

One of the most important things I spent time learning about though was the circle of life. I can thank my WWOOF hosts David and Lise Abasz for much of this. “The life of the soil is a round river: emerging and returning back into itself.” The trees and plants of the forest have an incredible communication system that lives and breathes similar to our own bodies and brain neural networks… The earth doesn’t just host or provide life, it truly IS alive. We were born out of it and will return back to it cyclically. “If we don’t nurture nature we’re just wrecking our own future.” It is completely asinine to believe that we don’t have an impact on climate change or that we don’t have an obligation to make conscious efforts to care about our use (and waste) of resources. Nothing grinds my gears more than those who claim to value life but mindlessly trash the very entity that gives it to us in a consumer-driven arrogance, ESPECIALLY by those who spend time worshiping a being that they believe created all of this beauty FOR them.

I watched “Before the Flood” a few weeks ago, and cried as I witnessed yet again how destructive my behavior is, even in my efforts to be better. “Before the Flood” is a documentary described as follows:

If you could know the truth about the threat of climate change — would you want to know? Before the Flood, presented by National Geographic, features Leonardo DiCaprio on a journey as a United Nations Messenger of Peace, traveling to five continents and the Arctic to witness climate change firsthand. He goes on expeditions with scientists uncovering the reality of climate change and meets with political leaders fighting against inaction. He also discovers a calculated disinformation campaign orchestrated by powerful special interests working to confuse the public about the urgency of the growing climate crisis. With unprecedented access to thought leaders around the world, DiCaprio searches for hope in a rising tide of catastrophic news.

Click here to get more information and learn how you can take real action (NOTE: I have free copies of this film to anyone interested)

I don’t care anymore what your beliefs about “life” after death are, what philosophy you identify with, what political group you want to be apart of... “Climate change is the single greatest threat to a sustainable future but, at the same time, addressing the climate challenge presents a golden opportunity to promote prosperity, security and a brighter future for all.” We can't inhabit another planet before our time here on earth runs out if we don't make changes right now. Our life is a cycle, and if you aren’t some nihilistic asshole (excuse my profanity) I bet that you care about a future. Trees and plants give us oxygen, healthy soil gives us nutrients, and clean water gives us bodily function… what steps will you take to care for and respect the very thing that gives you, gave your ancestors, and gives your children life?

- I have opted to give up using a fossil fuel-burning vehicle and navigate by bicycle or my own two feet, or shared transportation only when absolutely necessary. - I've eliminated the use of paper goods, unless they are already going to waste/won't be composted. No paper towels, no paper napkins, only recycled toilet paper (and since I'm camping most of the time-- leaves!), electronic receipts only, reusable grocery bags, reusable egg cartons, etc. etc. Let's keep hte Amazon amazin'!

- I commit to tipping the scale of the environmental impact of the meat industry by not eating meat or corporate dairy products (unless it is going to waste… I believe these people call themselves “freegans”)

- I have pledged to educate myself about the political realm and how I can get involved to influence legislation to adopt more sustainable practices, including (but not limited to) carbon taxes and commitments to clean energy.

- I also recognize that even if everyone on earth who has a home switched to renewable energy and water conservation, it wouldn’t even make a dent in the grand scheme because of how much waste corporations and factories produce, so I have devoted extra time to research the companies I buy from, and only purchase used items or new goods that I absolutely need and as environmentally conscious as possible, with emphasis on local organic food production-- no more mindless consumption. Period. “Remember you vote with your wallet-- your dollar bill's your ballot!”

Watch this video example about how much of an impact a simple sandwich has on the earth

- I also will be relentlessly pursuing conversations with people about this issue, because it affects each and every one of us. So if you’re going to the store with me, buying food in front of me, gifting something to me (please, no material objects; I want your love and quality time, not someone else’s labor), or talking about politics/philosophy with me… be prepared for a genuine and open discussion about these serious circumstances.

This isn’t an attempt to claim superiority. It's impossible to be footprint-less, and I don't believe everyone should be vegetarian or stop driving cars. This isn’t a competition. We are all in this together! Let us come full circle and be honest with ourselves. I guess the point is to be mindful about our impact and to tip the scales to a better tomorrow in any way possible. Remember where we came from: Mother Earth can't afford our greed and ignorance.

Summer 2017 Plans

Tue, 21 Mar 2017 00:57:49 +0100

Somedays it seems like I am so disconnected from the world without Facebook or solid internet access. My feelings on that are quite ambivalent. It’s freeing but my global reach seems to be much harder to grasp, as if I’m suddenly without nerve endings in my skin: I know the outside world exists (politics, global economics, etc.), and I see it pop up from time to time, but if I get too caught up in my own tasks, I lose sense of what’s really out there. Even this blog seems to feel as though I’m speaking in my own isolated echo chamber, sending these words out into the abyss without another soul absorbing them. Perhaps this is merely an online journal, but opened for anyone who happens to stumble upon it.

Allora, andando avanti.

Living without a stable “home” since last May has taught me a lot about myself and has made me really appreciate moments of security. While I may be a bit burnt out from traveling already, it’s also strengthened my resolve to be without unnecessary possessions. Nearly everything I own is practical and the items that aren’t have importance or sentimental value to it. I ditched well over half of my possessions when I left Moorhead, Minnesota and now I’m excited to announce that I will be reducing it yet again in May by just as much. “I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast. It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most. The days get longer and the nights smell green. I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.” (Modest Mouse, I couldn’t have said it better myself)

As a precursor, I must mention that before leaving Fargo/Moorhead last year I met someone who piqued my interest when the first conversation started off talking about free will. I decided I didn’t want to cut ties and opted to create a “pen pal” relationship with him while I traveled. In a way, he was there during my times on WWOOF farms and in the circus with Emilio, but not present in a way that distracted me from my expidition. Meanwhile, I spent the latter half of 2016 partially in search of a potential partner to go on future adventures with. I will admit that I found many incredible people on that journey, but no one that captivated me as someone I could comfortably travel with, let alone that expressed interest in uprooting their lives. I’ll skip the sappy story, but after getting to know Aaron for almost a year, I’ve grown quite fond of his personality: intelligent, ambitious, dedicated, inquisitive, compassionate.

In one of my letters, I proposed at first that he was welcome to join the circus this year when he planned to leave Fargo/Moorhead, but later added an alternative proposal to consider joining me on a bicycle tour through a few states this summer before he settled into his next living situation. I requested for him to refrain from giving me an answer until he thought about it at length and deeply considered the implications. As a sort of birthday present, months later, he visited me (and the circus tribe) in Florida and gave me his answer: yes. After some discussion, the current approximate route will be from Duluth, MN (where I began my journey last year at the Round River Farm) to Colorado, couchsurfing and WWOOFing along the way. Words can't describe my elation.

I’ve been thoroughly enjoying working for Cirque Italia; I truly feel like it is cross-training and preparing me to be able to move mountains in the future. But I know I won’t be able to last all year here as it’s too conducive to compromising my values… you know, the kind of environment that I deliberately evacuated from for that very reason in 2016. So, as much as I’ve felt like this circus entity has done some good for me, it’s time to start planning the next chapter. And I must say life keeps getting more beautiful. This brain I was blessed with has led me to where I’m at right now (Mary Esther, Florida, to be exact) and all I feel is complete and immense 6ratitude.

"Sometimes my shadows do return. I just turn towards the sun and they fall behind me." -Wookiefoot

A very dear, new friend showed me a magical place called Lichgate in Tallahassee, FL with this magnificent oak tree (notice tiny little Isaac resting at its base). This place was a powerful reminder of what I want out of life: a place anyone is welcome, a place of healing and growth.

Meet Sam, a fellow tree hugger. Joined and left the circus much too soon.

Sam, Aaron and I... beach day with these lovely people on the emerald Gulf coast

Circus kids are still just kids. <3

Having fun in the ticket office with a mermaid and Cirque Italia owner's right hand man

Sad morning driving him back to the airport. It was great having Aaron here for a week... like a little piece of home

Between practicing gratefulness, mindfulness, and hopefulness, I have started to find a synergy that keeps my mind on the right path. I find my bad days are growing few and far between. I hope this finds a beautiful mind out there somewhere and plants an inspirational seed.

6RATITUDE

Fri, 03 Mar 2017 19:54:14 +0100

The big metal box on wheels wobbles from the rustling of the inhabitants inside. I’m awakened by heavy machinery beeping and clunking outside of my window and I crawl out of bed. Careful not to wake my roommate who sleeps above me, in a groggy stupor, I slip on my hoodie and shoes and make the routine trek across the lot, blinded by the sun’s salutation. Sometimes I can’t decide what’s more inconvenient: getting dressed to walk outside past all the trailers to use a portable toilet shared with 30+ other people, or holding it in and staying cooped up in the 5’x7’ trailer room with paper thin metal walls. The trailer dwellers here partake in this janky space with no functioning shower so we are all forced to share the shower room used by the other bunkhouse next door; one shower dedicated to 30+ people. I live and work with the same faces every single day. I don’t have access to hot water or electricity half the week, or access to clean drinking water unless I enter some public establishment (often obligated to purchase it). I have no way to cook food or store cold items, and every week I have to familiarize myself with a whole new town. Even once a week I start work at noon and don't stop until 2 in the morning, with a large chunk of the day dedicated to hard physical labor.

A year or so ago, I would have burst into tears upon hearing this description if it told the tale of someone in a foreign country, desperate to be able to help them improve their quality of life. After traveling with this circus, my outlook on this living situation has taken a 180. I may have to “suffer” from those inconveniences, but most days I revel in the opportunity to travel and be part of this family. I choose to be here, and if I really wanted to get out, I would.

It’s been over 8 weeks since I rejoined the circus as ticket office manager. These weeks have resembled a roller coaster to say the least (as life always does…). A recurring theme in my thoughts has been gratitude. Any situation can be faulted to warrant complaint; on the other hand, those very situations can be also highlighted to find some aspect for which to be thankful. It’s up to us to decide what is worth holding onto and what is worth letting go, and this battle is incredibly challenging. It's so easy to get swept up with disapproval; I hear voices of it every single day. But when the sun goes down, we are all still here with air in our lungs, and blood pumping through our veins. What more do we really need?

I love life on the road because I get to explore new communities and meet new people every week. This job has provided me the opportunity to travel the country not only with an income, but with a tribe of people that live, work, eat, and play together as a big [slightly dysfunctional] family. Once a week Coco the clown will host a big community barbecue, where everyone in the entire circus is welcome—we laugh, spin fire, talk about life, and jam out to music, while the circus kids run and play and join in the fun. New environments every week make the routines of work seem less mundane. The bunkhouse I am currently in houses 11 people, all of whom I’ve fallen totally in love with as if they were my own brothers and sisters; my bunkmate is without a doubt the best roommate I’ve ever had (even when sharing such a tiny space). It’s been a long time since I felt like I was part of a tribe aside from my blood relatives.

There are some dangers in this comfort zone, however. I recognize my actions are falling out of line with my ethics, and I see myself adjusting my morals to fit my behavior. It’s been a struggle, and I know I have a long way to go before I can smoothly implement lessons I learned while traveling last year about adhering to my own standards in any given environment. Adaptation is key for survival, and I realize that is why humanity and the state of the world is the way it currently is—all the way down to the Trump presidency. I’ve been reading The Heart of Learning: Spirituality in Education lately, and one of my favorite things the authors write about is the concept of learning as something that can never be taken away from you. In the midst of your darkest rock bottom in life, there is something to learn. And for that, it’s something to be grateful for.

Backstory:
I found this bracelet at the Mystic Hot Springs resort in Utah. It was strapped to an old fence, so I picked it up knowing I would pay it forward someday and leave it for someone else to find. Upon visiting home in Minnesota for the holidays, I spent some time with someone very dear to my heart who noticed the bracelet and commented on it. "6-ratitude?" I laughed because he was right: the G was clearly etched as a 6.
This 6-ratitude symbol I wear on my wrist has become my mantra, a daily reminder to not take life so seriously and be grateful for everything that comes my way.

Mind over matter, right? "When you change the way you see the world, the world you see will change." (Thanks, Wookiefoot)
Gratitude is my medicine, and it's totally free. I recommend it to all of your beautiful minds... it might just change the way you see the world.

Peace, everyone!

A Bug's Life

Wed, 25 Jan 2017 04:34:37 +0100

For those who don't know, when I was seven years old, I spent about three weeks in a children’s hospital after a gun accident incapacitated me. Seventeen years later, the hospital stay itself is but a distant memory—except one of the parts that I distinctly remember from that time is watching the Disney Pixar movie “A Bug’s Life” nearly every single day. The once-traumatizing “flashbulb memory” of the accident is psychologically associated with that movie. Recently, I came to the realization that my life now kind of resembles that of the film’s little ant protagonist, Flik.

In the movie, Flik is a bit of a misfit; always innovating new ways to improve the quality of life of his fellow ants, only to be scoffed at for not following the traditional procedures (especially when his ideas accidentally backfire). Oppressive grasshoppers get away with taking more than their fair share of the land’s resources by intimidating the ants to pick the food and threatening to retaliate if they don’t conform. Flik is determined to stand up for his community and help fight against the grasshoppers’ establishment, and he voluntarily leaves the colony in search of warriors to join his cause despite how dangerous the outside world is. While he is out on his journey, he stumbles into a group of circus bugs, mistaking them for “warriors.” When he later finds out the truth, he desperately tries to convince them to stay and fight for his cause anyway, afraid he will let his colony down once again.

Sound familiar yet? It might be a stretch concerning all the other plot details, but the coincidence is an interesting one to me.

“Why am I working in a circus?” I ask myself this in a fit of existential despair at least once a day. I know these people aren’t here for the same reasons I am. They don’t care about the ugliness of corporations or the state of the environment—perhaps not nearly as much as I do anyway. They’re passionate about performing, creating, and entertaining. Last night, I lay on the hood of my car talking to a circus friend and asked that very question... why? He casually replied with, “Why not?” and followed up with, “You help people to take two hours out of their day to not have to think about their stressful jobs or personal lives. You get people to see and appreciate the bizarre things humans can do.” I can see his point, but sometimes that’s just not enough for me.

At the end of A Bug’s Life, Flik’s energy, determination, and drive to bring others together to fight for social justice pays off. Hopper, the lead grasshopper, realizes that his success depends on the control of the lower class of bugs. “You let one ant stand up to us, then they ALL might stand up!” The grasshoppers are soon faced with uproar from the ants and destruction follows. “Let this be a lesson to all you ants! Ideas are very dangerous things! You are mindless, soil-shoving losers, put on this earth to serve us!” declares Hopper. Flik replies, “You're wrong, Hopper. Ants are not meant to serve grasshoppers. I've seen these ants do great things, and year after year they somehow manage to pick food for themselves and you. So who is the weaker species? Ants don't serve grasshoppers! It's you who need us! We're a lot stronger than you say we are... And you know it, don't you?”

I know that I am just one ant. I also have a lot of growing to do, a lot of seeds to plant. This circus is just one step towards a much greater movement. As I continue to educate myself, build a tribe of passionate people, and talk with worker ants all around the country, I know that my efforts will pay off in due time. It’s been incredibly difficult for me to accept that social change is not immediate, and I’m very lucky to have dear friends and family to remind me not to always take life so seriously.

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Dinosaurs at a water circus? Why not?

I wouldn't get to see this sight as often if I hadn't stumbled into these circus bugs. So for that, I'm grateful.

Meet Isaac, the seagull whisperer.

Moments like these remind me why I want to protect the beauty of nature

Circus Life

As I try to harness peace in my own mind, I hope you all do the same to your own beautiful brains. <3

Circus Life Part 3

Mon, 09 Jan 2017 21:33:55 +0100

The last 10 days have been pretty crazy. I started off 2017 by driving from Wisconsin (thanks for letting me couchsurf again Meredith and Dan!!!! <3 ) to South Carolina to pick up Paige and Isaac from South Carolina. I went from -20 degree weather to 75 degree weather in a matter of 24 hours. The drive to SC was brutal; being trapped in a metal box without being able to move around or look away from the road for 15 solid hours felt like a form of torture. Granted, I was able to listen to music and podcasts to stimulate my brain a bit, but the primal part of me was raging by the last three hours of being in the car. I can only imagine what animals feel like when they’re trapped in a cage. I was once again reminded of the horrors of the meat industry, thus strengthening my resolve for avoiding meat and dairy. Haven’t had any meat in 2017, hopefully that holds true all year!

Arriving at the circus felt oddly satisfying. Not just because of the nice Florida weather but being back in this culture, and with core friends present (and more English speaking people), feels almost like home. Managing the ticket office has been stressful yet gratifying, but worth it at the end of the day to crack open a beer, break out the uke, and jam with the tribe. Last year I remember writing that the circus crew was cliquey; this year they still are, but much less so because some of the problem people have left, leaving everyone in a much better mood around each other overall. It feels like this opportunity was a golden one and I’m content that I made the decision to pursue it this year.

The circus performances are really great this year; standing ovations ensue at the end of almost every show. And I’m really glad to hear that their planned route takes us to the northwest part of the country: the only place I didn’t get to explore during my 2016 trip. The business itself, centered around entertainment, focuses little on personal/ethical values though. Except for good customer service (which is only to secure their reputation), the nature of the business doesn’t allow for time to make mindful decisions about things like consumption and waste. I’m hopeful that I will be able to fill in this gap at least a little bit. I know I won't be able to make much headway in reducing their carbon footprint, and that's going to make me feel defeated at times, but I know I just have to keep my chin up and take one step at a time. Big changes take time and finesse. I know I can make use of my downtime by educating myself, writing more story drafts for the future children’s book, and simply enjoy the company of my dear friends in the meantime.

Last chance for family time before a whole year of traveling. I'm gonna miss these cuddle puddles.

Soaked up as much love as I could while I was home

Something in my journal for a little taste of home while I'm away

On the road to Orlando! Thankfully friends could help drive for the last part of the trip.

Made it to Florida!

"There's no way out but there's a way in. 'Cause you're it!" -- Wookiefoot

Found an amazing hole-in-the-wall burrito joint, Mucho Mahalo Burritos, and joined the graffiti table train. "Be fearless and play." :)

Welcome back to the circus life!

Peace to all of your beautiful minds. Now that my facebook is disabled, I hope you all keep in touch! <3

Computer Addiction

Wed, 04 Jan 2017 16:58:45 +0100

Internet Addiction Disorder

-Controversy: Is being addicted to the internet inherently a bad thing? Computers can be productive but it can also get sorely in the way of your productivity.

I recently listened to a podcast by Stuff You Should Know about computer addiction. When I stumbled upon it, I had already made the resolution to get rid of my Facebook for one year. It struck me as fascinating, so I decided to write a whole post about it; I will be paraphrasing much of the podcast here, but for anyone who wants to listen to it for yourself, click here.

Addiction to the computer or internet is similar to any alcohol or drug addiction. Here are some questions that the diagnostic and statistical manual for mental disorders (DSM) asks to prompt symptoms of a diagnosis: Do you stay on longer than intended? Not notice the passage of time? Do you make conscious efforts to cut back and repeatedly fail? Do you think about it a lot when you’re not using it or constantly look forward to the next opportunity to use it? Hiding the extent of your computer use from family/friends? Use it as an escape when stressed or depressed? Missing events or missing important activities? Poor job performance or failing at non-computer tasks? It can also lead to marital problems, negative consequences, and getting in trouble at work. Some of these are a little extreme, but still highly symptomatic for people. And admittedly, I’ve said yes to plenty of those questions myself.

There are even cases where gaming addicted people have died. By neglecting your health, sitting around too much, etc. you can definitely compromise your body. I dare you to Google “game binge death.” In Taiwan, two people in 2015 within weeks of each other died in an internet café. One man was even laying deceased for 10 hours, unnoticed, and when the paramedics did come to retrieve him, the other people playing didn’t even stop or pay attention to the fact that a dead body was being removed. Here is the article on it.

Obviously I don’t suffer from something like that, but I can tell you that Facebook addiction is a thing, and I know ~~some~~ most of you can relate to that. The very nature of the site is problematic. It feeds on preservation of the social reputation. What’s spooky is that people have jobs specifically for behavioral design; there is a persuasive technology lab at Stanford. “A great idea doesn’t amount to anything unless you get people to use it and use it a lot.” Smartphone apps are now designed the same way that cigarettes were to make them addictive. There is literally a formula! Behavior = Motivation + Ability + Trigger. Behavior = interacting with Facebook; Motivation = loneliness, boredom, or stress; Ability = super easy access, instant ability to open it, low hanging fruit (this is key); Trigger = red Facebook alerts, news feed, clickable things that you suddenly get immersed, auto-play on videos, etc. You could justify this by saying that it’s your own responsibility to exert self-control, but there are a thousand people on the other side of the screen whose career it is to break down whatever responsibility you can maintain. Let that sink in for a minute.

The problem is the bottomless stream – in a psychology experiment about self-control (article here), people ate 73% more soup with a self-refilling bowl without even realizing they did than the group with a normal bowl. You rationalize by opening up Facebook and saying it will only take a minute to reply to a friend, but then 5, 10, even 30 minutes later, you’re still scrolling. Different types of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) have things in common; there’s anonymity and riskless interaction. Internet usage also plays on emotions like avoidance, fear, pleasure, and entertainment. It’s controversial and situational to describe overactive internet usage as a mental disorder; lots of studies are being conducted though and they all conclude by mentioning that more research needs to be done.

Productivity vs. Curing boredom

The situation breaks down to asking oneself: Am I utilizing my time when I do use my computer or smartphone or am I merely avoiding 30 seconds of boredom? We can make so much better use of boredom than checking Facebook. In fact, a little bit of boredom or daydreaming is actually good for us, research has found. When we don’t have external stimuli, we tend to turn our focus inward. Here is an article reflecting on this notion.

“We always assume that you get more done when you’re consciously paying attention to a problem,” Schooler told me. “That’s what it means, after all, to be ‘working on something.’ But this is often a mistake. If you’re trying to solve a complex problem, then you need to give yourself a real break, to let the mind incubate the problem all by itself. We shouldn’t be so afraid to actually take some time off.”

It’s become a problem in my own life; whenever I’m waiting for an elevator, standing in line, sitting at a bar, experiencing a lull in conversations—pretty much any time I’m not focused on a specific task—I’m checking my phone. It’s stressing me out and distracting me from a lot of personal goals, which is why I’ve resolved to disable my Facebook account until the end of the year. I won’t be able to see what friends and distant relatives are up to, but that gives something to talk about during reunions. If anyone wants to get a hold of me while I’m traveling, I’ll have my laptop for Skype (k.hawkinson22) and to check email (hawkinson.ka@gmail.com), and please email me if you’d like any other contact info (sometimes emailing is too much or not enough—I’ll still use my phone for calls, texts, Snapchat). This will be difficult, but I know it needs to be done if I want to make a better impact on this world.

*Edit: While writing this post, I checked facebook 6 times, for absolutely no reason. -_-

Relationship Chameleon

Tue, 03 Jan 2017 15:44:44 +0100

A lot of people can relate to the concept of being a social “chameleon,” where one only shows parts of themselves that line up with what another person prefers, or would actually alter their personality to fit in. It is common for us to adapt ourselves to fit in, either by recognizing a better version of who we could be or by trying to survive [socially] from an evolutionary standpoint. It’s also one thing to find the common ground between family, friends, or lovers and bond with common interests, but it’s a whole different level to pretend to be a certain way in order to gain false approval.

I mentioned in a previous post about my past lying habits; I remember being a big fat relationship chameleon whenever I had a new romantic interest, putting on many different façades when I wanted someone to fall in love with me. I’ve tried on the farm girl charade, the gamer, and others… my personal worst being the “perfect monogamous girlfriend.” I’ve lied, cheated, covered up cheating with more lies, and then blamed the other person for driving me into someone else’s life when truths were exposed. It took many years of trial and heartbreaking error to realize my polyamorous nature. In all honesty, during the time I put those façades on I genuinely thought that’s who I wanted to be. I always truly cared about the partner I was with, so I wanted to make them happy. Even with Emilio, my recent circus counterpart, there was always a bit of dissonance especially regarding my passion for the environment; I felt like I was always compromising what I valued to avoid rocking the boat. As those bridges have burned, so has much of the mask I wore at the time; however, I’ve kept the values and interests that made me a better person over time and have accumulated this big concoction of a personality that makes me who I am today.

That streak of lying and “chameleoning” had made it increasingly difficult for me to be authentic though (even though a part of me wonders if anything is ever truly authentic). I only started making a very conscious effort to be genuine in the last couple years, which is quite sad to me; I had always thought I was being myself—and when I was alone, I was—but more often than not I was just a people-pleaser. The most recent relationships I’ve had with family, friends, lovers, and strangers have been of much higher quality because of this change. To be unapologetically authentic is a feeling I never have guessed would feel this good. I feel that I am a better person than I was yesterday, and will strive to be an even better person tomorrow, until the day I die. I’ve also heard of “letting your freak flag fly” to show other people like you where you are. Logically speaking, why would I be anyone except for who I am or aspire to be? It only attracts exactly the wrong people I’m looking for.

Make Yourself at Home

Fri, 23 Dec 2016 05:59:53 +0100

I’m writing this from the home of my wonderful friends Alyssa and Dan, who have opened up their hearts and spare bedroom to let me stay here for a few days while I visit Fargo/Moorhead. Returning to South Dakota was emotional, but it wasn’t until I drove into Fargo, North Dakota that it really hit me. “THIS feels like home,” I said to myself as I was driving through the snow-covered highways of the city. I’ve visited with a lot more of my family, surprised my “Fargo family” that I used to nanny for, and visited with several friends… all who have greeted me with big hugs, smiles, and excitement; lots of happy tears have fallen since last week.

Staying at the houses of friends and strangers has been a life changing experience for me. This brave notion of Couchsurfing understandably made people skeptical of my travel plans; I was warned to be extremely cautious when traveling, especially because of my single female status. However, I can honestly say there was not a single time where I truly felt like my safety was compromised. Even in backwoods Ohio when that man blurted out, “You’re so far out here, no one would even hear you scream,” I was nervous, but there was a sense of protection from another stranger that dulled the fear. Choosing love over fear has made this adventure full of wonderful lifelong friendships and memories.

The last six months have held a common theme, from all of the places that I’ve slept and visited: “Make yourself at home.” There are so many generous people out there. I only had to pay money for lodging one night when I couldn’t make it to my planned campsite and had to stop at a state park. Aside from regular free/primitive camping, the rest was either in exchange for my labor or simply that kind people opened up their homes to a fellow human. The latter was not merely cases of freeloading and moving onto the next gluttonous opportunity once I overstayed my welcome (as one of my brothers jokingly said). Once money is taken out of the equation, you’re left with genuine human interaction and relationships. A kind person doing good things for other kind people perpetuates a “pay it forward” community, all out of love and not money.

Traveling this summer felt like stepping back in time when money didn’t exist—or at least not to the current rampant consumeristic extent—and bonding with strangers over common interests and the act of giving for the sake of taking care of people and communities. Although now I realize that I didn’t step back in time; this is the world we live in. The media thrives on our fears and reports all of the horrible things around the globe. And don’t get me wrong, I haven’t experienced those horrors up close (yet), and they are still very much prevalent. But so is peace. So are love and generosity and benevolence and empathy and hope. People who open up their homes without the involvement of money are basing their behavior on friendship and compassion, not the expectation of reciprocation or compensation.

My home is here. It is there. It is everywhere. Fargo/Moorhead calls to me because of this big pocket of friends and family surrounding it. I look forward to the days I can have people visit my little farm sanctuary and be so incredibly welcomed home. Until then, the next chapter ahead of me will be accompanied by a couple of very dear friends and all will be traveling our little homes around the country. Anyone else is welcome to join me in this adventure (the circus is always hiring!) and at the very least, welcome to visit with free tickets and hugs waiting for you. “Give what you can and take what you need. These arms are wide open and here when you need. I know you must go soon, so go plant good seeds. And be careful which of the two wolves that you feed.”

Welcome Home

Wed, 07 Dec 2016 19:27:57 +0100

I had the wonderful pleasure of crossing paths with my dear friend Jacob in Lincoln, Nebraska this week as I have been making my way “home” to my comfort zone in South Dakota/Minnesota. We discussed the recycling phase of coming home after a long journey and the conversations were exactly what I needed right at that moment, at the end of my adventure around the United States. The drive into South Dakota was long and I could feel the anticipation of seeing my friends and family build up so much pressure that upon pulling off the interstate into my hometown I was a tearful mess. But the moment I opened the door to my mother’s house, it felt as if I had never left. What a weird feeling… to have been on such a tremendous, life-changing roller coaster ride for the last 6 months, and to step off of it and not feel any vertigo or stupor. Maybe it just hasn’t sunk in yet. Maybe because, to my folks, 6 months isn’t a long time at all when you have a comfortable day in/day out routine in the same dwelling as you’ve had for years. Maybe I just haven’t gotten truly “home” yet. I don’t even really know where home is, but my only guess is that it’s where my heart is. I wear it with me, like a turtle has its shell; and when I’m among my friends and family, I feel my shell warm up with love and joy.

I’ve learned, experienced, and seen so much in the last 6 months. I want to share all of my stories with everyone (which only the tip of the iceberg has made it to this blog), and I want to hear about everything I’ve missed. Even though I highly overestimated how wonderful it would feel to be here in SD/MN again, it still feels good to be around familiar faces and places. My heart is being pulled in so many directions, but the strongest tug is the voice calling me to work with the circus in January. My two amazing friends Paige and Isaac are likely to be joining me, and if that’s the case, I will be doing what I love–traveling and learning–with people who share my passion for bettering ourselves and the world. After traveling solo for so long, you can imagine how grateful I am to have friends that are enthusiastic to team up. It’s nearing the end of another chapter, since the beginning of the last one back in North Carolina. I’m almost ready to step right back onto this rollercoaster ride—but not one minute before I soak up all the hugs and giggles from my nieces and nephews, the holiday feasts and lovely company of the rest of my dear family, and the good vibes and conversations from my beloved friends.

“I know you must go soon, so go plant good seeds. And be careful which of the two wolves that you feed.”
(As always… thanks, Wookiefoot)

The Two Wolves
An old Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, “A battle is raging inside me … it is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.” The old man fixed the children with a firm stare. “This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.” They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee replied: “The one you feed.”

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I still have no house to call home. But I'm not homeless, no, I'm home free. <3

Made it to the West Coast, and soon after was incredibly eager to run back home to tell the story.

Shout out to my two favorite buds from Los Angeles. You guys sure made that dreadful city worth visiting!!

This will definitely be a painting someday

"Not all who wander are lost"

Utah is stunning

Welcome home to Minnesota! Here are subzero temperatures and winter travel advisories!!! :)

So so so much peace to you all. Happy holidays and make sure to give hugs and squishes to all of your loved ones... you never know when our good Mother Earth will welcome them home. <3