Recharged: A New Chapter

Posted by Kristin Hawkinson on Friday, September 23, 2016 Under: Love

I arrived in North Carolina with no money, no physical/emotional/social energy, and no motivation. I was worn out from traveling and missed my friends and family but was also so drained from people that I just wanted to hide away from the world. I was also worried I’d be a burden on my friends with whom I was staying for two weeks since they had just moved into a house a few days before my arrival. My time in Wilmington, however, turned out to be exactly what I needed. I found the circus gig to pay my way to Colorado, so the concern over how I would get there was crossed off the list. I made time to do some painting (though not as much as I would have liked), so that calmed my spirit. I had an amazing time reconnecting with my friends since meeting them last year through Couchsurfing despite the worry of encumbrance and introversion, so that boosted my social battery from empty to full. I received a couple heartfelt letters and had sincere conversations with my soon-to-be-married sister and a few dear friends (all from whom I’ve been missing terribly), so my heart was filled with love again. Lastly, I was able to finally swim in the salty Atlantic Ocean and feel the warm sun and soft sand against my skin while I sat in introspection, so my mind and soul were completely recharged upon leaving town. I even crossed paths once again with another couple of wonderful friends I met at random last year (who I didn't get a picture with.. booo), so it seems this world is pretty small, and I am so grateful to be on it.

Life is incredibly difficult and beautiful and endearing. While in Wilmington, I also listened to a lecture by Alan Watts titled, “Mind over Mind.” Watts talks about the psychological and philosophical conundrum of controlling your own mind and self-improvement. I want to share some of it with you:

“When you add together all the great political, social, and ecological problems with which we are faced, they are appalling. And one naturally says the reason why we are in such a mess is not simply that we have wrong systems for doing things—whether they be technological, political, or religious—but we have the wrong people. The systems may be alright, but they are in the wrong hands because we are all in various ways self-seeking, lacking in wisdom, lacking in courage, afraid of death, afraid of pain, unwilling really to cooperate with others, unwilling to be open to others. And we all think that’s too bad. It’s me that’s wrong. If only I could be the right person. I must improve me. In this question, ‘Can I improve me?’ there is the obvious difficulty that if I am in need of improvement, the person who’s going to do the improving is the one who needs to be improved. There, immediately, we have a vicious circle. Why do people fall from grace? How can I out-wit me? A higher self is your own ego. The reason why you want to be better is the reason why you aren’t. We aren’t better because we want to be. Because the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Because all the do-gooders in the world, whether they’re doing good for others or doing it for themselves, are troublemakers…on the basis of ‘Kindly let me help you or you’ll drown,’ said the monkey putting the fish safely up a tree. We white Anglo-Saxons have been on a rampage for the past hundred or more years to improve the world. We have given the benefits of our culture, our religion, our technology, to everybody, except perhaps the Australian aborigines. And we have insisted that they receive the benefits of our culture, even our political style, our democracy. “You’d better be democratic…or we’ll shoot you!” And having conferred these blessings all over the place, we wonder why everybody hates us. Sometimes doing good to others or even doing good to oneself amazingly destructive… because it’s full of conceit! How do you know what’s good for other people? How do you know what’s good for you? If you say you want to improve, then you ought to know what’s good for you. But obviously you don’t, because if you did, you would be improved. So we don’t know.”

He goes on to say there really is no answer to any of this, but the only logical step is to make sure there are a wide variety of personalities—in the same way that we need a variety of creatures on earth—so that we don’t destroy everything. A swarm of anything is never a good thing. I highly recommend listening to the entire talk (found HERE, 51 minutes); there is much more insight that he offers. I needed to hear this… just like I needed everything else in Wilmington. I feel as though I have stepped into a new chapter of this journey, both in my travels and in my life. I don’t know where this road will take me, but I’m going to soak in every ounce of joy I step in along the way. I will continue to live by the words of Wookiefoot: Be fearless and play.