The Path to Change

        A lot of people can relate to the concept of being a social “chameleon,” where one only shows parts of themselves that line up with what another person prefers, or would actually alter their personality to fit in. It is common for us to adapt ourselves to fit in, either by recognizing a better version of who we could be or by trying to survive [socially] from an evolutionary standpoint. It’s also one thing to find the common ground between family, friends, or lovers and bond with common interests, but it’s a whole different level to pretend to be a certain way in order to gain false approval.

        I mentioned in a previous post about my past lying habits; I remember being a big fat relationship chameleon whenever I had a new romantic interest, putting on many different façades when I wanted someone to fall in love with me. I’ve tried on the farm girl charade, the gamer, and others… my personal worst being the “perfect monogamous girlfriend.” I’ve lied, cheated, covered up cheating with more lies, and then blamed the other person for driving me into someone else’s life when truths were exposed. It took many years of trial and heartbreaking error to realize my polyamorous nature. In all honesty, during the time I put those façades on I genuinely thought that’s who I wanted to be. I always truly cared about the partner I was with, so I wanted to make them happy. Even with Emilio, my recent circus counterpart, there was always a bit of dissonance especially regarding my passion for the environment; I felt like I was always compromising what I valued to avoid rocking the boat. As those bridges have burned, so has much of the mask I wore at the time; however, I’ve kept the values and interests that made me a better person over time and have accumulated this big concoction of a personality that makes me who I am today.

        That streak of lying and “chameleoning” had made it increasingly difficult for me to be authentic though (even though a part of me wonders if anything is ever truly authentic). I only started making a very conscious effort to be genuine in the last couple years, which is quite sad to me; I had always thought I was being myself—and when I was alone, I was—but more often than not I was just a people-pleaser. The most recent relationships I’ve had with family, friends, lovers, and strangers have been of much higher quality because of this change. To be unapologetically authentic is a feeling I never have guessed would feel this good. I feel that I am a better person than I was yesterday, and will strive to be an even better person tomorrow, until the day I die. I’ve also heard of “letting your freak flag fly” to show other people like you where you are. Logically speaking, why would I be anyone except for who I am or aspire to be? It only attracts exactly the wrong people I’m looking for.