The Road to Knoxville

Posted by Kristin Hawkinson on Tuesday, September 27, 2016 Under: Love

I had the pleasure of starting off this new chapter in my journey by riding with Emilio (my tightrope walking counterpart) on my way to the next circus stop in Tennessee. We talked about our past and future, he taught me some Spanish, and he comforted my troubled heart after he mentioned the long-lived state of murderous affairs in Mexico. My time with him has been a series of reminiscing my angst-driven teen years, testing my moral compass, and feeling my heart melt into a puddle despite the former two things.

I am swept away to Memory Lane whenever he puts on a song that the hopeless romantic 2007 version of my self listened to on repeat while I daydreamed about whomever I was crushing on. Those bittersweet years of adolescence were full of serial monogamy, unadulterated zeal, childlike fun, and debilitating naïve heartbreak. We've talked about country music—how he likes it because it expresses love, which took me back to my South Dakota roots and my “country girl” phase; he even mentioned he has a pair of Mexican cowboy boots (to which I poked fun at him a little for, but secretly I want to see him in that element). To further drive myself down this road of memories, the circus tribe—with their little cliques and cultural differences—is full of gossip. I feel like I’m not surrounded by mature adults, but rather shit-talking teenagers who care way too much about who is fraternizing with whom and strengthening in-group camaraderie by talking about anyone on the outside instead of talking about global issues and conceptual/philosophical ideas. Emilio and I have had to sneak around to avoid drama, making it a perfect resemblance to my teen relationships; I’ve also bitten the bullet to engage in petty awkward conversations to simply keep my (and his) reputation in check. Not everyone is like that, of course, but it sure is prevalent. It’s an ambivalent feeling being here, but I know that I’m supposed to be here; there’s something to see and learn from this. There is more to this than a silly love story.

Before packing up and heading to Knoxville, we took a walk into a nearby park where we sat to talk and enjoy a cold beer. I asked him, “Will you help me pick up the trash around here before we go?” He jokingly said “Noooo,” and hugged me as if to trap me so I couldn’t leave his side. I laughed it off and replied, “Well, I’m going to with or without your help, but your help will get us to our campsite faster.” We continued talking and finished our little picnic, and before I could even ask if he was ready to leave he grabbed the plastic bag we used for our Coronas and started traversing through the bushes and trees to pick up litter. I stood for a moment to admire his initiative before joining him. At one point he asked, “We aren’t going to be able to pick up ALL of this, so why bother?” I explained that the next people like us—like his children—who have a picnic in the park will now have a better experience than if we just didn’t bother.

My moral compass is an ever-evolving one. I constantly have to remind myself, “Never stop growing. You are never done learning.” The moment I think I have everything figured out, another wrench is thrown into the system and I investigate, contemplate, and update. Like I mentioned in the previous blog post, it’s not necessarily a good thing to try changing and "saving" people all the time. I know now that I can’t stop a river from flowing, but I can at least help guide the direction in which it does flow. I had to keep myself in check when Emilio, with the best of intentions, tried telling me on the way to Knoxville that I can’t stop people from killing each other, from polluting and destroying the environment, from being selfish, because they simply don’t care enough. I started to cry and responded with the [famously misquoted] words of Gandhi: “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change,” and related the words to our time picking up litter in the park. I could feel his eyes on me as I kept my watery sight on the road ahead. “I wish everyone was like you,” he said quietly.

I made the mistake at one point of bluntly saying to Emilio, “The high school version of me would have fallen madly in love with you by now,” because of his sappy, yet possessive interest in being monogamous with me. It’s not to say that the current version of me isn’t a little smitten, but it’s just been so long since someone expressed such an unfiltered affinity for me and wanted no one else. Since my toxic 5 year relationship, I can’t remember the last time someone made endless comments about my beauty, kindness, et cetera; or spoiled me with generous gestures like surprising me with flowers; or even insisted on paying for not just the first, but every single date, and then some. It’s been too long since my heart felt so…melty.

The “adult” no-strings-attached dating world that I’ve been living in is exhausting, like playing chess instead of checkers: still a game, just with more strategical consideration. I’ve purposely remained single for about a year with bouts of affectionate friendships sprinkled in and I have learned a lot about myself and what I want in life and in a partner. I’ve needed time to pursue my life goals unobstructed and it has been successful, yet still quite lonely. Fighting a solo battle to improve the state of the environment is wearing me down. Not having someone consistent to turn to when I feel lost is really taking its toll on me. I instantly forget all of my heartache when I see Emilio smile at me or when he sneaks up to hug me in the dark during the show. While I’m fully enjoying this Water for Elephants-esque liaison with him, it’s bound to end when our paths separate after Tennessee; we both want vastly different things. He’s determined to be married with kids and have all the amenities that come with the strictly monogamous family structure. I, on the other hand, have no desire to birth a child and am certain that I would not want any partner of mine to expect me to suppress my amorous interests; nor would I expect them to only have eyes for me. He doesn’t dedicate much effort to environmentalism on his own either. However, he has shown me that if I wanted his support and accompaniment, I will have it. His unwavering affection that I adore so much may very well be the mere result of a monogamous mindset, but I just can’t deal with the heartbreaking disappointed look on his face when I say I want to go out and make new friends or be alone (platonic or not) with someone else. Perhaps I simply can’t have my cake and eat it too.

The road to Knoxville was a beautiful one. The Appalachians were incredible to drive through, especially because the rainy weather cooked up a picturesque view of the foggy blue mountains. It started to downpour at one point and it took longer than expected with construction delays. The roads were winding and throwing us up and down, much like life does. It was beautiful, yet annoying and a little scary at times. It just reminded me to enjoy the ride, and especially to thoroughly enjoy the lovely company I have with me to experience it.

And to enjoy the incredible food this life has to offer.
(I conclude this post today in a lovely First Watch cafe)